Most recent edit on 2005-09-17 22:10:14 by EschaTon
Additions:
One morning, while I was lying in my bed, I got an unexpected phone call which still leaves me in awe. It was my best friend Anna and another of my good friends, Chris, whom I have just started to get close with. They told me all about their plans to go sky diving, and they wanted to know if I would join them. As soon as I heard this, I began to contemplate if I really did want to go. All I could think about was how great an opportunity this would be, but also about how much it would cost me. After some heavy consideration, I told Anna that I didn’t want to go. I used the high price as an excuse, but both Anna and Chris accused me of simply being too afraid to take the risk. All I could think about for the next few days is how much I’ve always wanted to go sky diving, it started to bother me so much that I finally just broke down and accepted their invitation. I knew I would not regret my decision. After I decided to finally go, I could not stop smiling. The only negative part about the whole situation was that I could not tell my parents anything about it. [ <- This sent. makes an interesting point and then you abandon it. Why couldn't you tell your parents?]
After what seemed like a lifetime, [the day] finally arrived. [That day] was perhaps the most nerve-racking [day; You overuse "day" here. It's repititious] of my entire life. I was so nervous that I could not stop shaking. That morning, Anna prepared breakfast for Chris and me. This was an extremely nice gesture of her, but turned out to be an incredible waste;[:] being that we were all too nervous to eat. After our quasi-breakfast, we got into the car and started on our 45 minute drive to Perkasie, Pennsylvania. We ended up leaving late and getting lost, but the whole time I was secretly hoping that we would miss our appointment and have to reschedule. I was a mess the entire way there, but Anna and Chris were so excited, that I couldn’t help but get caught up in it all. I felt like I was having a panic attack, and all my friends could do was laugh at me.
When we finally arrived in Perkasie I was shaking like a leaf and breathing like an asthmatic. We walked up to the office and were soon greeted with a towering stack of liability forms and a safety movie. After filling out all of the paperwork and watching the 80’s flashback video, we still had another three hours to kill before we could suit up and get into the plane. After, what felt like, thirty years passed by, I finally noticed our names flashing on the screen under ‘next jumpers’. All three of us made our way over to get suited up. When my instructor called my name I was so nervous that I could not stop talking. After being uncomfortably strapped up, he informed me of our falling routine and of how to keep my body positioned. My heart began to pound through my chest.
The time came to board the plane and we all squeezed in. We started to take off and my instructor, Teel, asked me if I wanted to flip out of the plane or jump out sideways. Immediately, and without thinking, I said [yes; did you want to do both? watch out for detail disagreements like this]. I looked over at Anna and Chris and asked them why they had ever convinced me to do something this insane. Teel then asked me if I wanted to pull the chord for the parachute myself and if I wanted to do tricks in the air. I basically agreed to do it all since, hey; I was already jumping out of a plane.
Everyone in the plane was singing obnoxiously and being annoying,[:] doing anything they could to make us want to get out of there as soon as possible. As we reached our [the] altitude and the spot where we would be jumping from, the crew stopped us. There were a lot of clouds in the area and we were unable to jump through them. Finally, after another extra ten minutes in the air, they found a spot. I told Teel that I had changed my mind and that I did not want to pull the chord myself. He told me he would do it for me. This is when I actually felt my heart beat out of my chest, because I knew there was no turning back.
It is now time to go and [A]ll of a sudden, Anna goes first and two seconds later, Chris goes too. It is [was] now my turn, and as soon as I look[ed] down[,] I start[ed] to scream. I told Teel that I didn’t want to do any tricks. He just started to laugh at me, and told me that he would handle everything. The next thing I know we are out of the plane. I just started screaming random curses, because those are the first words that managed to pop into my head. The rush was unbelievable and breath-taking (literally). The mix of the thin air and my nervousness made me start to hyperventilate. I wanted to put my head down to see how the ground looked, but the real sight was the clouds and the horizon. It was amazing and incredible;[:] something that you do not see everyday. One of the scariest things that happened was when we went through a cloud and I had to struggle to breathe. All I really remember was coming out of the cloud a bit moist and the chute opening right after. It was a little bit painful, but soon after, the straps were loosened and it made the ride down more comfortable. The view down was also amazing. It was basically what you see when you are in an airplane but the obvious difference was[,] of course, being outside. I didn't want this to end. I wanted to be able to stay up as long as possible[,] but it was about time to land. I had to pick up my legs and prepare for our landing. I began to skid across the grass, making me angry for wearing shorts that day. But in the end[,] I didn’t care about the discomfort, as long as I landed safely.
[This is good, but you need to work on making more choices in your writing. You mention a lot of interesting details that don't go anywhere. Also, there are some issues with tense. You also should read up on the difference between a semicolon and a colon. You know when to use a colon, but you use a semicolon instead.]
Deletions:
One morning, while I was lying in my bed, I got an unexpected phone call which still leaves me in awe. It was my best friend Anna and another of my good friends, Chris, whom I have just started to get close with. They told me all about their plans to go sky diving, and they wanted to know if I would join them. As soon as I heard this, I began to contemplate if I really did want to go. All I could think about was how great an opportunity this would be, but also about how much it would cost me. After some heavy consideration, I told Anna that I didn’t want to go. I used the high price as an excuse, but both Anna and Chris accused me of simply being too afraid to take the risk. All I could think about for the next few days is how much I’ve always wanted to go sky diving, it started to bother me so much that I finally just broke down and accepted their invitation. I knew I would not regret my decision. After I decided to finally go, I could not stop smiling. The only negative part about the whole situation was that I could not tell my parents anything about it.
After what seemed like a lifetime, the day finally arrived. That day was perhaps the most nerve-racking day of my entire life. I was so nervous that I could not stop shaking. That morning, Anna prepared breakfast for Chris and me. This was an extremely nice gesture of her, but turned out to be an incredible waste; being that we were all too nervous to eat. After our quasi-breakfast, we got into the car and started on our 45 minute drive to Perkasie, Pennsylvania. We ended up leaving late and getting lost, but the whole time I was secretly hoping that we would miss our appointment and have to reschedule. I was a mess the entire way there, but Anna and Chris were so excited, I couldn’t help but get caught up in it all. I felt like I was having a panic attack, and all my friends could do was laugh at me.
When we finally arrived in Perkasie I was shaking like a leaf and breathing like an asthmatic. We walked up to the office and were soon greeted with a towering stack of liability forms and a safety movie. After filling out all of the paperwork and watching the 80’s flashback video, we still had another three hours to kill before we could suit up and get into the plane. After, what felt like, thirty years passed by, I finally noticed our names flashing on the screen under ‘next jumpers’. All three of us made our way over to get suited up. When my instructor called my name I was so nervous that I could not stop talking. After being uncomfortably strapped up, he informed me of our falling routine and of how to keep my body positioned. My heart began to pound through my chest.
The time came to board the plane and we all squeezed in. We started to take off and my instructor, Teel, asked me if I wanted to flip out of the plane or jump out sideways. Immediately, and without thinking, I said yes. I looked over at Anna and Chris and asked them why they had ever convinced me to do something this insane. Teel then asked me if I wanted to pull the chord for the parachute myself and if I wanted to do tricks in the air. I basically agreed to do it all since, hey; I was already jumping out of a plane.
Everyone in the plane was singing obnoxiously and being annoying, doing anything they could to make us want to get out of there as soon as possible. As we reached our altitude and the spot where we would be jumping from, the crew stopped us. There were a lot of clouds in the area and we were unable to jump through them. Finally, after another extra ten minutes in the air, they found a spot. I told Teel that I had changed my mind and that I did not want to pull the chord myself. He told me he would do it for me. This is when I actually felt my heart beat out of my chest, because I knew there was no turning back.
It is now time to go and all of a sudden, Anna goes first and two seconds later, Chris goes too. It is now my turn, and as soon as I look down I start to scream. I told Teel that I didn’t want to do any tricks. He just started to laugh at me, and told me that he would handle everything. The next thing I know we are out of the plane. I just started screaming random curses, because those are the first words that managed to pop into my head. The rush was unbelievable and breath-taking (literally). The mix of the thin air and my nervousness made me start to hyperventilate. I wanted to put my head down to see how the ground looked, but the real sight was the clouds and the horizon. It was amazing and incredible; something that you do not see everyday. One of the scariest things that happened was when we went through a cloud and I had to struggle to breathe. All I really remember was coming out of the cloud a bit moist and the chute opening right after. It was a little bit painful, but soon after, the straps were loosened and it made the ride down more comfortable. The view down was also amazing. It was basically what you see when you are in an airplane but the obvious difference was of course, being outside. I didn't want this to end. I wanted to be able to stay up as long as possible but it was about time to land. I had to pick up my legs and prepare for our landing. I began to skid across the grass, making me angry for wearing shorts that day. But in the end I didn’t care about the discomfort, as long as I landed safely.
Edited on 2005-09-11 22:48:55 by MonicaKras
Additions:
Bo Fisher was a friend of mine whom I met during the summer. Bo went my schools rival high school, Council Rock High School North, and was trying to transfer to my school, Council Rock High School South. His parents went through enduring court cases, trying to get him to go to my school. Bo told us, the week before school started, that he was finally going to be able to come. Finally, the first day of school came around and my friends and I noticed someone new to our school. We went for a closer look and noticed that it was Bo. All of us were so excited, we never expected him to actually come to our school. Labor Day weekend soon followed and Bo and his friends decided to go the shore. While Bo was at the shore, I was spending time with some new friends in Philadelphia. On our way home, we received a phone call that I wished I never had received. On the phone was Rita and she said, “Bo is dead. Bo is dead. He got hit by a car and now he is dead.” After hearing her say that, all I thought was, this can’t be real. It can’t be. I tried calling his cell phone to make sure, and there was no answer. I immediately began to cry, not knowing what to do. It was a really hard time for everyone who knew Bo. He was an amazing person and was known for his personality, smile, and laugh. It is just sad that he had to leave us so soon. It was not fair for all the new people whose lives would have been touched by him during our senior year.
Deletions:
Bo Fisher was a friend of mine whom I met during the summer. Bo went my schools rival high school, Council Rock High School North, and was trying to transfer to my school, Council Rock High School South. His parents went through enduring court cases, trying to get him to go to my school. Bo told us, the week before school started, that he was finally going to be able to come. Finally, the first day of school came around and my friends and I noticed someone new to our school. We went for a closer look and noticed that it was Bo. All of us were so excited, we never expected him to actually come to our school. Labor Day weekend soon followed and Bo and his friends decided to go the shore. While Bo was at the shore, I was spending time with some new friends in Philadelphia. On our way home, we received a phone call that I wished I never had received. On the phone was Rita, and she said, “Bo is dead. Bo is dead. He got hit by a car and now he is dead.” After hearing her say that, all I thought was, this can’t be real. It can’t be. I tried calling his cell phone to make sure, and there was no answer. I immediately began to cry, not knowing what to do. It was a really hard time for everyone who knew Bo. He was an amazing person and was known for his personality, smile, and laugh. It is just sad that he had to leave us so soon. It was not fair for all the new people whose lives would have been touched by him during our senior year.
Edited on 2005-09-11 22:47:53 by MonicaKras
Additions:
Bo Fisher was a friend of mine whom I met during the summer. Bo went my schools rival high school, Council Rock High School North, and was trying to transfer to my school, Council Rock High School South. His parents went through enduring court cases, trying to get him to go to my school. Bo told us, the week before school started, that he was finally going to be able to come. Finally, the first day of school came around and my friends and I noticed someone new to our school. We went for a closer look and noticed that it was Bo. All of us were so excited, we never expected him to actually come to our school. Labor Day weekend soon followed and Bo and his friends decided to go the shore. While Bo was at the shore, I was spending time with some new friends in Philadelphia. On our way home, we received a phone call that I wished I never had received. On the phone was Rita, and she said, “Bo is dead. Bo is dead. He got hit by a car and now he is dead.” After hearing her say that, all I thought was, this can’t be real. It can’t be. I tried calling his cell phone to make sure, and there was no answer. I immediately began to cry, not knowing what to do. It was a really hard time for everyone who knew Bo. He was an amazing person and was known for his personality, smile, and laugh. It is just sad that he had to leave us so soon. It was not fair for all the new people whose lives would have been touched by him during our senior year.
Deletions:
Bo Fisher was a friend of mine whom I met during the summer. Bo went my schools rival high school, Council Rock High School North, and was trying to transfer to my school, Council Rock High School South. His parents went through enduring court cases, trying to get him to go to my school. Bo told us, the week before school started, that he was finally going to be able to come. Finally, the first day of school came around and my friends and I noticed someone new to our school. We went for a closer look and noticed that it was Bo. All of us were so excited, we never expected him to actually come to our school. Labor Day weekend soon followed and Bo and his friends decided to go the shore. While Bo was at the shore, I was spending time with some new friends in Philadelphia. On our way home, we received a phone call that I wished I never had received. Rita said, “Bo is dead. Bo is dead. He got hit by a car and now he is dead.” After hearing her say that, all I thought was, this can’t be real. It can’t be. I tried calling his cell phone to make sure, and there was no answer. I immediately began to cry, not knowing what to do. It was a really hard time for everyone who knew Bo. He was an amazing person and was known for his personality, smile, and laugh. It is just sad that he had to leave us so soon. It was not fair for all the new people whose lives would have been touched by him during our senior year.
Edited on 2005-09-11 22:46:29 by MonicaKras
Additions:
Narrative
Edited on 2005-09-11 22:46:05 by MonicaKras
Additions:
StarBurstSelfNarrative Remixed Narrative
Senior year of high school is said to be one of the best years of your life. But what happens when this so called “fun” is interrupted with a death? During my last year of high school we lost two members of our senior class, the first happening within the first week of school. These deaths were unexpected and left most students heart broken, left with nothing but footprints on their hearts and memories of what once was.
Bo Fisher was a friend of mine whom I met during the summer. Bo went my schools rival high school, Council Rock High School North, and was trying to transfer to my school, Council Rock High School South. His parents went through enduring court cases, trying to get him to go to my school. Bo told us, the week before school started, that he was finally going to be able to come. Finally, the first day of school came around and my friends and I noticed someone new to our school. We went for a closer look and noticed that it was Bo. All of us were so excited, we never expected him to actually come to our school. Labor Day weekend soon followed and Bo and his friends decided to go the shore. While Bo was at the shore, I was spending time with some new friends in Philadelphia. On our way home, we received a phone call that I wished I never had received. Rita said, “Bo is dead. Bo is dead. He got hit by a car and now he is dead.” After hearing her say that, all I thought was, this can’t be real. It can’t be. I tried calling his cell phone to make sure, and there was no answer. I immediately began to cry, not knowing what to do. It was a really hard time for everyone who knew Bo. He was an amazing person and was known for his personality, smile, and laugh. It is just sad that he had to leave us so soon. It was not fair for all the new people whose lives would have been touched by him during our senior year.
The next of our losses was Jenna Fallon. I never really got the opportunity to become friends with Jenna, but she had many who were close to her, and extremely hurt when she passed. Jenna died suddenly a few days after Christmas from complications of meningitis. No one expected this at all and this created a scare for everyone who had contact with her. As soon as news came out, everyone who came into contact with her was put on preventative medication. My school was in complete shock because they could not believe that this was happening again so soon. Just when kids were starting to feel better about Bo, we had to lose another. The senior class of CR South could not win.
Senior year was really hard for our class, but all together we helped each other cope. We had candle light vigils for Bo and Jenna, and fundraising events in their honor. There were even scholarships created in their memory. These two deaths hit us hard and at first, and they were hard to believe. Overall, senior year helped me to never take life for granted; you never know who might be gone the next day. Everyone started to realize this, and we all became closer because of it.
Oldest known version of this page was edited on 2005-09-08 21:04:02 by MonicaKras []
Page view:
One morning, while I was lying in my bed, I got an unexpected phone call which still leaves me in awe. It was my best friend Anna and another of my good friends, Chris, whom I have just started to get close with. They told me all about their plans to go sky diving, and they wanted to know if I would join them. As soon as I heard this, I began to contemplate if I really did want to go. All I could think about was how great an opportunity this would be, but also about how much it would cost me. After some heavy consideration, I told Anna that I didn’t want to go. I used the high price as an excuse, but both Anna and Chris accused me of simply being too afraid to take the risk. All I could think about for the next few days is how much I’ve always wanted to go sky diving, it started to bother me so much that I finally just broke down and accepted their invitation. I knew I would not regret my decision. After I decided to finally go, I could not stop smiling. The only negative part about the whole situation was that I could not tell my parents anything about it.
After what seemed like a lifetime, the day finally arrived. That day was perhaps the most nerve-racking day of my entire life. I was so nervous that I could not stop shaking. That morning, Anna prepared breakfast for Chris and me. This was an extremely nice gesture of her, but turned out to be an incredible waste; being that we were all too nervous to eat. After our quasi-breakfast, we got into the car and started on our 45 minute drive to Perkasie, Pennsylvania. We ended up leaving late and getting lost, but the whole time I was secretly hoping that we would miss our appointment and have to reschedule. I was a mess the entire way there, but Anna and Chris were so excited, I couldn’t help but get caught up in it all. I felt like I was having a panic attack, and all my friends could do was laugh at me.
When we finally arrived in Perkasie I was shaking like a leaf and breathing like an asthmatic. We walked up to the office and were soon greeted with a towering stack of liability forms and a safety movie. After filling out all of the paperwork and watching the 80’s flashback video, we still had another three hours to kill before we could suit up and get into the plane. After, what felt like, thirty years passed by, I finally noticed our names flashing on the screen under ‘next jumpers’. All three of us made our way over to get suited up. When my instructor called my name I was so nervous that I could not stop talking. After being uncomfortably strapped up, he informed me of our falling routine and of how to keep my body positioned. My heart began to pound through my chest.
The time came to board the plane and we all squeezed in. We started to take off and my instructor, Teel, asked me if I wanted to flip out of the plane or jump out sideways. Immediately, and without thinking, I said yes. I looked over at Anna and Chris and asked them why they had ever convinced me to do something this insane. Teel then asked me if I wanted to pull the chord for the parachute myself and if I wanted to do tricks in the air. I basically agreed to do it all since, hey; I was already jumping out of a plane.
Everyone in the plane was singing obnoxiously and being annoying, doing anything they could to make us want to get out of there as soon as possible. As we reached our altitude and the spot where we would be jumping from, the crew stopped us. There were a lot of clouds in the area and we were unable to jump through them. Finally, after another extra ten minutes in the air, they found a spot. I told Teel that I had changed my mind and that I did not want to pull the chord myself. He told me he would do it for me. This is when I actually felt my heart beat out of my chest, because I knew there was no turning back.
It is now time to go and all of a sudden, Anna goes first and two seconds later, Chris goes too. It is now my turn, and as soon as I look down I start to scream. I told Teel that I didn’t want to do any tricks. He just started to laugh at me, and told me that he would handle everything. The next thing I know we are out of the plane. I just started screaming random curses, because those are the first words that managed to pop into my head. The rush was unbelievable and breath-taking (literally). The mix of the thin air and my nervousness made me start to hyperventilate. I wanted to put my head down to see how the ground looked, but the real sight was the clouds and the horizon. It was amazing and incredible; something that you do not see everyday. One of the scariest things that happened was when we went through a cloud and I had to struggle to breathe. All I really remember was coming out of the cloud a bit moist and the chute opening right after. It was a little bit painful, but soon after, the straps were loosened and it made the ride down more comfortable. The view down was also amazing. It was basically what you see when you are in an airplane but the obvious difference was of course, being outside. I didn't want this to end. I wanted to be able to stay up as long as possible but it was about time to land. I had to pick up my legs and prepare for our landing. I began to skid across the grass, making me angry for wearing shorts that day. But in the end I didn’t care about the discomfort, as long as I landed safely.
After I landed, Anna and Chris were waiting for me. All I could do was run to them and thank them for making me come. It was an amazing experience and I recommend it to everyone. It is a feeling that you will never forget. If I was ever given another chance, I would take it in a heartbeat. That is, if I have the money.