Most recent edit on 2005-09-18 15:16:28 by EschaTon
Additions:
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, fumbling with the buttons on the shoulder of my band uniform. Kristen was an eighth-grader experiencing her first year in varsity marching band. During band camp in August she latched on to me and ever since I had been playing the role of her older sister. Yet, some days I did not want to be bothered with her problems and questions and today was one of those days. To state it clearly,I was in a bad mood; I did not want to be wearing my stuffy band uniform on this sweltering hot day in September. I did [not] want to march in our small, local town parade and waste an hour of my life. Still, here I was and I grudgingly followed my fellow band mates to our designated starting spot.
“How is Briana doing?” asked Heather, she [this either needs to be ", who" or "; she"] was the only other senior in the clarinet section of band. Still[,] we were not close[,] so I was surprised she was asking this question.
That Monday, I along with my closest two friends, Amanda and Bobbie, I attended Andie’s funeral. This was the first funeral that I have [had] attended since I was very young. I often chose to avoid funerals because I preferred mourning privately rather then publicly [you don't need this. the public/private split is something your readers can be assumed to understand]. Still, at this time, Briana needed us and I was not about to abandon her. As we entered the funeral home and took our seats beside her we clasped hands and I felt the power of our long friendship coursing through my body[.] and I knew that we would be able to pull through this tragedy. [ <-- This sent. is a run-on]
Months later I still do not know why Andie decided to commit suicide[,] but I now know that she suffered from depression and maybe another mental illness. Still, it is hard to imagine that her life was so terrible that she had to end it early. Briana rarely talked about what happened but she did confide in me once what it was like to find her sister hanging from a tree in the woods. Those few minutes she talked to me may have been the most emotionally painful minutes of my life. It also diminished my former viewpoint on suicide. I had only experienced this tragedy before through books in which it was portrayed romantically. In reality suicide is painful and harsh. Even though the negatives [far] outweigh the positives by far;[:] a little good did come from this tragedy. Chaz, Andie’s boyfriend begin talking to me and Briana during study hall. He quickly became a close friend. Also[,] I realized that I would like to help people struggling in the same way [as] Andie[.] did and [It] made me consider the career of a guidance counselor. I still think of Andie everyday and struggle to understand how she viewed life so terrible that she had to end her[']s the way she did, but I have also realized that every life, no matter how great or small of a personit belongs to, is precious.
[This is an excellent narrative, but lack of careful revision keep it out of "A" range]
Deletions:
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, fumbling with the buttons on the shoulder of my band uniform. Kristen was an eighth-grader experiencing her first year in varsity marching band. During band camp in August she latched on to me and ever since I had been playing the role of her older sister. Yet, some days I did not want to be bothered with her problems and questions and today was one of those days. To state it clearly,I was in a bad mood; I did not want to be wearing my stuffy band uniform on this sweltering hot day in September. I did want to march in our small, local town parade and waste an hour of my life. Still, here I was and I grudgingly followed my fellow band mates to our designated starting spot.
“How is Briana doing?” asked Heather, she was the only other senior in the clarinet section of band. Still we were not close so I was surprised she was asking this question.
That Monday, I along with my closest two friends, Amanda and Bobbie, I attended Andie’s funeral. This was the first funeral that I have attended since I was very young. I often chose to avoid funerals because I preferred mourning privately rather then publicly. Still, at this time, Briana needed us and I was not about to abandon her. As we entered the funeral home and took our seats beside her we clasped hands and I felt the power of our long friendship coursing through my body and I knew that we would be able to pull through this tragedy.
Months later I still do not know why Andie decided to commit suicide but I now know that she suffered from depression and maybe another mental illness. Still, it is hard to imagine that her life was so terrible that she had to end it early. Briana rarely talked about what happened but she did confide in me once what it was like to find her sister hanging from a tree in the woods. Those few minutes she talked to me may have been the most emotionally painful minutes of my life. It also diminished my former viewpoint on suicide. I had only experienced this tragedy before through books in which it was portrayed romantically. In reality suicide is painful and harsh. Even though the negatives outweigh the positives by far; a little good did come from this tragedy. Chaz, Andie’s boyfriend begin talking to me and Briana during study hall. He quickly became a close friend. Also I realized that I would like to help people struggling in the same way Andie did and made me consider the career of a guidance counselor. I still think of Andie everyday and struggle to understand how she viewed life so terrible that she had to end hers the way she did, but I have also realized that every life, no matter how great or small of a personit belongs to, is precious.
Edited on 2005-09-08 21:28:57 by StarrySkies
Additions:
“How is Briana doing?” asked Heather, she was the only other senior in the clarinet section of band. Still we were not close so I was surprised she was asking this question.
“Fine,” I replied knowing perfectly well that I was lying. Many people did not know but Briana’s younger sister Andrea had been missing for about a week. Still curious about Heather’s question I probed deeper. “Why?”
Months later I still do not know why Andie decided to commit suicide but I now know that she suffered from depression and maybe another mental illness. Still, it is hard to imagine that her life was so terrible that she had to end it early. Briana rarely talked about what happened but she did confide in me once what it was like to find her sister hanging from a tree in the woods. Those few minutes she talked to me may have been the most emotionally painful minutes of my life. It also diminished my former viewpoint on suicide. I had only experienced this tragedy before through books in which it was portrayed romantically. In reality suicide is painful and harsh. Even though the negatives outweigh the positives by far; a little good did come from this tragedy. Chaz, Andie’s boyfriend begin talking to me and Briana during study hall. He quickly became a close friend. Also I realized that I would like to help people struggling in the same way Andie did and made me consider the career of a guidance counselor. I still think of Andie everyday and struggle to understand how she viewed life so terrible that she had to end hers the way she did, but I have also realized that every life, no matter how great or small of a personit belongs to, is precious.
Deletions:
“How is Briana doing?” asked Heather, she was the only other senior in the clarinet section of band, still we were not close so I was surprised she was asking this question.
“Fine,” I replied knowing perfectly well that I was lying. Many people did not know but Briana’s younger sister Andrea had been missing for about a month. Still curious about Heather’s question I probed deeper. “Why?”
Months later I still do not know why Andie decided to commit suicide but I now know that she suffered from depression and maybe another mental illness. Still, it is hard to imagine that her life was so terrible that she had to end it early. Briana rarely talked about what happened but she did confide in me once what it was like to find her sister hanging from a tree in the woods. Those few minutes she talked to me may have been the most emotionally painful minutes of my life. It also diminished my former viewpoint on suicide. I had only experienced this tragedy before through books in which it was portrayed romantically. In reality suicide is painful and harsh. Even though the negatives outweigh the positives by far; a little good did come from this tragedy. Chaz, Andie’s boyfriend begin talking to me and Briana during study hall and he quickly became a close friend. Also I realized that I would like to help people struggling in the same way Andie did and made me consider the career of a guidance counselor. I still think of Andie everyday and struggle to understand how she viewed life so terrible that she had to end hers the way she did, but I have also realized that every life, no matter how great or small of a personit belongs to, is precious.
Oldest known version of this page was edited on 2005-09-08 16:14:45 by StarrySkies []
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“So, Sean is coming to the parade,” Kristen said reaching for my clarinet. “What do you think that means?”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, fumbling with the buttons on the shoulder of my band uniform. Kristen was an eighth-grader experiencing her first year in varsity marching band. During band camp in August she latched on to me and ever since I had been playing the role of her older sister. Yet, some days I did not want to be bothered with her problems and questions and today was one of those days. To state it clearly,I was in a bad mood; I did not want to be wearing my stuffy band uniform on this sweltering hot day in September. I did want to march in our small, local town parade and waste an hour of my life. Still, here I was and I grudgingly followed my fellow band mates to our designated starting spot.
“How is Briana doing?” asked Heather, she was the only other senior in the clarinet section of band, still we were not close so I was surprised she was asking this question.
“Fine,” I replied knowing perfectly well that I was lying. Many people did not know but Briana’s younger sister Andrea had been missing for about a month. Still curious about Heather’s question I probed deeper. “Why?”
“They found Andie didn’t they?” She asked with a confused look upon her face.
“Really? When? Is she okay?” These questions ran from my mouth.
“You don’t know?” Heather glanced quickly at her friend Rachel and I felt my heart drop to my stomach. “She killed herself,” Heather said confirming my worst fears. I felt tears burn in my eyes and I remember Kristen placing her arm around me. Faintly, I heard our band director, Mr. Ditullio, calling us to attention and hearing the drummers begin the cadence. Swallowing my tears, I returned to my place and begin to march. The parade passed in a blur and after it was over I snuck away from the crowd of the band members listening to Mr. Ditullio’s “After the Parade” speech about our performance and ran to find my mother. After a few minutes of weaving through crowds of people I found her. With one look at me, my mom rushed me to our car and on our short drive home I explained to her what had happened. Upon returning home, I took a long shower and then retreated to my bedroom for the rest of the day.
That Monday, I along with my closest two friends, Amanda and Bobbie, I attended Andie’s funeral. This was the first funeral that I have attended since I was very young. I often chose to avoid funerals because I preferred mourning privately rather then publicly. Still, at this time, Briana needed us and I was not about to abandon her. As we entered the funeral home and took our seats beside her we clasped hands and I felt the power of our long friendship coursing through my body and I knew that we would be able to pull through this tragedy.
Months later I still do not know why Andie decided to commit suicide but I now know that she suffered from depression and maybe another mental illness. Still, it is hard to imagine that her life was so terrible that she had to end it early. Briana rarely talked about what happened but she did confide in me once what it was like to find her sister hanging from a tree in the woods. Those few minutes she talked to me may have been the most emotionally painful minutes of my life. It also diminished my former viewpoint on suicide. I had only experienced this tragedy before through books in which it was portrayed romantically. In reality suicide is painful and harsh. Even though the negatives outweigh the positives by far; a little good did come from this tragedy. Chaz, Andie’s boyfriend begin talking to me and Briana during study hall and he quickly became a close friend. Also I realized that I would like to help people struggling in the same way Andie did and made me consider the career of a guidance counselor. I still think of Andie everyday and struggle to understand how she viewed life so terrible that she had to end hers the way she did, but I have also realized that every life, no matter how great or small of a personit belongs to, is precious.